fourteenth cycling trip

Zoli said that he would write, but then I didn’t get anything from him. I’ve been having a headache all day because of yesterday’s carousing. I woke up to not being alone in the bed, but then I had to realize that I was. It was as if I had hallucinated something, but I don’t remember what. During the day, I smelled sweet somethings, one smell was like the one on your neck yesterday. Then I got on my bicycle and fluttered to Zoli to call him to account. When I stepped in the room, he caught my collar, shoved me into the back room, and started sticking his tongue in my mouth.

what we think of others, that’s what we are, as well

Man lives only a very small part of his infinitely rich spiritual domain. Usually only one surface layer. He doesn’t even know about the rest. I borrowed Zoli. For a long time he cycled with someone else.

One day Zoli was pushing his bicycle in the street, whistling, singing, when he saw a small tuber in front of him on the road. He propped the bike against the wall, and then he left it there. Because when he bent closer, he saw that the tuber wasn’t actually a tuber after all, but a thistle, which immediately stuck to his hand. Zoli just looked at it. He blew cigarette smoke on the thistle. The thistle started stretching itself. Thank you, the thistle started to speak. Zoli was a little confused. He bent even closer to the thistle, and then he saw that he wasn’t holding a thistle at all, but a tiny little bird. Suddenly he felt like something wrung on his heart. It hurt. He felt like someone was unpacking what he had been hiding for years, and was now holding it with his bare hands. He felt he like he himself was just a tiny little bird. He felt that the tiny little bird shivered too; it must have been thinking about the same thing. If needed, I’ll cycle with you for 133 years, said the little bird. Then Zoli the Turk and the little bird’s soul shivered again.

twelfth cycling trip

In my dream I was in Brazil. Zoli was holding my hand, and sometimes he put his head on my shoulder. I saw many birds, but this time they weren’t frightening. The sea was constantly surging beneath us; I didn’t even have to tell it, it did it by itself. I checked our pocket: we didn’t have a penny left. We couldn’t afford a bicycle, I had to steal that too. We went to a church too, where a black priest was preaching that those who get on the bicycle are actually crucified. It is clear to the Holy Spirit looking from above that cyclists speed up because they rush towards him, towards the heavenly love; in the eyes of the stupid bystanders, cyclist are simply miserable fellows who can’t afford a car, dummies who fly themselves with the sweat of their faces and the strength of their heartache. Zoli says God is good, he will help us. When he stepped to the shore, I started taking notes, so I would have my memories. But Zoli threw me onto a flowery meadow, and he said: leave it, just love me forever.

eleventh cycling trip

Sometimes I cycle only spiritually. Then I see myself in a room: my eyes closed. In this room everything is good. Today I remembered Jockey’s verse:

I would love

For you to love me

As you would love

For me to love you

For you to love me.

We were only calling him the crazy poet until one day he warmed the water in the pool with his hands. Allegedly he wrote the poem for his grandmother, even today I don’t understand how, nor why. Or what this whole thing is about. Today Zoli spent the whole day with me, we were drawing angels in the snow: I completely adore him.

ninth cycling trip

Today Zoli beat my brains out. I even fell off the bike. Luckily, I didn’t break myself.

eighth cycling trip

You’re a crazy woman, said Zoli today. Even though he’s a nice man.

seventh cycling trip

If there is no chance for me to go cycling at all, I feel like my heart would break. My world turns red, even though I have no connection with this color at all. I arrange my life in different colors. Then often my soul dissolves into small pieces and flutters around me like feathery floss. A long time ago I saw a girl, dancing on top of the water, and I was staring at her open-mouthed, and I remember falling in love with her for a few moments. Even though I like men, I always have. During the day I felt seriously dizzy several times; luckily I was alone, so no one saw it. I was alone, very alone. I danced too, of course, but only because I was in a bad mood, and of course not above the water but meters under the surface. Sometimes I felt I had to jump to get some air, but fortunately resisted the temptation. I write fortunately because had I jumped, I would have fallen flat on my face.

sixth cycling trip

When Zoli isn’t with me I often stop by the side of the road to have a rest. I just lay on my back, stare at the clouds, and I think, what do I look like from the sky if I’m seen? I often feel as though the ground vanishes from underneath my feet, but instead of starting to fall suddenly the wind seizes me, and I flutter to and fro under the clouds. Once someone told me that I’m not human, and, I thought, it’s true: you are a fairy, a fairy.

fifth cycling trip

Today I held a tiny little bird in the palm of my hand, and I was very afraid that it would fly away. During the night, ants infested the house, and they ate all that was moving. Then people came and they said that I should take care because if the ants came back that would be a thankless job.

forth cycling trip

There are days when I don’t feel like cycling at all. On these days it doesn’t even occur to me to go cycling.

third cycling trip

I asked Zoli the Turk today why he hadn’t come cycling with me yesterday. He said he didn’t even have a bicycle. I found it a little strange, because I knew that he knew that I know that he did, but because he said so, I just believed him. Actually my heart was aching almost all day, so I decided I wouldn’t go cycling today. Last night I had strange dreams, I woke up from them. I saw a huge mass of birds in the sky, and my man said that it would surely be cold. And it was, I was frozen through and through. From time to time my teeth clinked, while my soul was shivering like jelly. I even saw Zoli in my dream, he was standing in front of me motionlessly. As if he said something to me, but I don’t remember now what it could have been. I was out of sorts all day, I only started to ease off when I accidentally ran into Zoli the Turk by the well. We met for the second time that day, and without a word he stuck his tongue into my mouth. I can’t describe exactly what I felt, but I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I think about it.

second cycling trip

I was cycling all day today. I got on my bike in the early morning, and I kept pedaling all day. However I did check all the parts first: I pumped up the tires, and I oiled the bearings, I cheked whether the chain was tight enough. The seat was a bit hard. But the more I rode, the softer it felt. I cycled over hills and through valleys. I got pretty tired, I have to admit. I’m only sorry that Zoli couldn’t be with me today. I like cycling with him the most.

first cycling trip

I’ve been cycling with Zoli the Turk for a long time. It could be three years now. Or even more? Or less? I have a problem with my short-term memory, I admit, so sometimes I get totally confused. Then I confuse others, too. Not on purpose, of course. But sometimes they confuse even me. Zoli the Turk does it all the time. Sometimes so much that I lose my common sense. Sometimes I get so uncertain that I don’t even know whether we have ever cycled together at all. Zoli now says that we have. He thinks even three times. And that he remembers all three. Good for him.