endless cycling

Several days had to pass by before I tracked you down. My bike could barely keep itself together from the constant traveling, the whole structure was rattling and clattering; I had to stop to rethink it all over again, to go back and ride the same way again, the one I had gone through several times already because of you. It took me several days of pondering until I managed to put the final mosaic part in its place; several sleepless nights passed before I realized who you are and who am I in this story. I had to ravage my brain a lot until, from the little signs, I realized what had actually happened, where I am and where I can find you. A long time had to pass before I understood who you, Zoltán the Turk, are to me, who you were and what you meant in my life, and who I, the person who I think was called Clara, was, and what I meant in your life. Perhaps I owe more than just one explanation, but I don’t have the slightest intention to explain. Perhaps more than one unclear detail will remain after us, but I know that for you each and every little movement, each and every word and each and every letter was a clear message; you understood all my deeds, and you will understand them in the future. There is still more than one thing that even I don’t exactly understand myself, but perhaps one doesn’t have to know everything to understand certain things as well as possible.
However, I certainly know one thing. You got me, and I got you for myself, too. I am yours. And you are mine. And nothing will ever change that. The sun can shine, the rain can fall, and hundreds of thunderstorms can howl. In time, stones will slowly be crumbled into dust, and our trails will slowly be removed by the wind. But by then we will be each other’s irreparably.
That's it. I am yours. Forever.

Final(ly) cycling.

sixth cycling trip

I tried to look into your eyes, but I couldn’t catch your look at any point during the day. But I know that you're here. Even if I don’t see you, I feel you loitering around me. Many days went by wondering, looking for answers; I often walked around for hours in the forest. But today I got tired of the many sleepless nights; I sat on my own in silence, helpless about what would happen now. I was worried, my soul shivered. I even fell asleep for a moment; in my dream we had a house of our own where we walked up and down between the floors. It was orange, a white gate led out of it, and it stood by the beach somewhere. When I woke up, I realized that I can’t go on living without you, I must be with you at every moment. I looked around, but it seemed that you had disappeared. I felt emptiness in myself, and I knew that I had to come after you. I'll follow you, wherever you've gone. I left the house and in the distance I could still see your bike slipping away.

fifth cycling trip

I think I died. The door opened and a man whom I'd never seen in my life came in. A fur hat was on his head and I couldn’t see his face from his beard. He puttered around, fumbled through the room, he obviously felt at home. He put his bag beside the bed, took a bicycle ring from it, then sat down where I had sat before. For a long time he only stared ahead in silence. He took the spoon which I had eaten with in his hands and stroked it. He rang the bell. Then he spoke. He said: “road, peak, forests”. Then, “town and village”. I wanted to tell him that I was there, but no sound came out of my throat. I looked at his eyes. They were sad. He also looked at mine. But he didn’t even blink. Then he leaned over the half-empty plate and spooned out the rest of my jelly.

forth cycling trip

My stomach rumbled, and only then did it come to my mind that I hadn't eaten anything for days. I got up from your bed, went to your pantry, and I began to search through the shelves. I found old mugs and bowls, but the smell of steaming hot food permeated the twilight. I stood on a stool and took a plate off from the top shelf. The jelly was still warm in it, it burned my hand, but somehow I groped my way with it into the kitchen, and started spooning it briskly. I also found fresh bread and wine. For a moment I put the spoon down, the one that kept ringing again and again, and listened to the silence around me. My flesh crept. An infinite peace lay in the countryside. I looked at my plate, and again it came to my mind that perhaps I had arrived late after all, and that I can really only put my finger in your ear, nothing else. But I also thought that it was just enough for me, and in return you can put yours in my ear: I can listen to you with it whenever you need. Whatever you whisper into it. I heard fumbling from the door, I eagerly looked over there, wondering who it could be.

twelve-minute cycling

We are incredible: sometimes I can’t even believe that you exist, and that I exist for you. When I peeped out of the barn, I heard fumbling from your house, but I still didn’t dare show myself during the day, so I only set out at dusk, through the forest, to watch through your windows from among the trees. It was dark of course, but as if my husband shuffled next to the fence. I knew that it couldn’t have been her because she had been long dead, I had often taken flowers to her grave. But I was convinced that it was her that I had seen. It occurred to me that we are incredible, and seriously, sometimes I’m at my wit’s end because of you. When I finally sneaked in through the back door and the door closed behind me, all of a sudden it became dark, and I just felt my way around overcome by fear. Then, in a moment, it was as if you had stopped behind me, and it even felt like I had touched you. I knew that thousands and thousands of miles separated me from you, but I shivered when I felt your dick in my hand. I turned around, pushed my head against the wardrobe that stood beside the wall, and let you penetrate me. As you were stabbing me from behind, the chest of drawers rhythmically moved with me, it sounded as if bones were rattling inside. I shivered with cold, but not because of the unusual sounds, but because of the way you filled me. You came quickly, and I came quickly too. Then you disappeared as quickly as you had come. I kept calling you, but there was no-one to respond.

second cycling trip

A cold night was awaiting me in the barn. The neighborhood dogs barked, but I didn’t pay attention to them. As if I heard a snake hissing too, but I couldn’t care about it either. I made myself a place in the straw, and I thought of you. When I think of you, suddenly my everything starts to tingle. Then one thing I am sure about is that I miss you, and that I can’t go on without you. I long for your everything. I long that you look at me, that you touch me, that I can hold your little finger, just that you be close to me. That you breathe here by my side. That you love me. You know that every night I go to sleep with you. You know that every night I dream of you. You know that every morning I wake up with you. That in the morning all my thoughts fly to you. You take care of me. But now it’s nighttime. And I’m with you at nighttime too. Even if you aren’t by my side. I want to be with you. In any way. And in vain do I try to sleep, I can’t. I need you. I want to hear you, to appease my desire, I want you to tell me stories, to put your hand between my legs, to drag your clothes off me… But you’re far away, you’re unreachable. But I can still hear your voice, I can still hear you telling me stories, I can still feel you. I feel you caressing me, I feel you in me. You know that you can always find shelter with me, you know that you can hide with me, you know that you can hide in me, you know that you can penetrate deeper and deeper. That I have a wet hole that can you make even wetter. Dirtier. Squelchier. Sweeter. Saltier. Sweeter for you, saltier for me. I am breathing deeper and deeper, my fingers are moving faster and faster. In and out, in and out of the hole, up and down, up and down, left and right on my clitoris. I am making circles continuously. And you’re with me. I feel you. All over. All your veins. You’re throbbing. I’m throbbing you. Together we are a whole. Together. And I’m embracing you. I won’t let you go. And now I rest. And I go to sleep with you again.

first cycling trip

When I arrived, I found all the doors and windows closed. I propped my bike against the wall, I was hungry and exhausted, but I preferred not to move too much in the dark, so I took shelter in a neighboring barn. My body was scratched by the branches on the roadside, I felt blood streaming down my face. The road was long. On the way, I saw many things and thought many things. I also thought that there would be no way for them to know only what I was thinking about you. But I had to come. I knew that you would understand this too. I had to come from you, because I had to come to you. And I knew that I had arrived. And I knew that this time I wasn’t just dreaming.

last cycling trip

Today your servant visited me. The one you call Safet, I think. He said that I need to know that you love me, and that not for all the world would you leave me. But I also need to know that we can never be together anymore. Not in this life of ours, at least. He said that your guards had shut you away from me, and that they don’t allow us to meet, he doesn’t know exactly where you are now either, because you are protected in several ways so that you won’t escape to me. They think I am dangerous for you, he also said that. And also that even though you have all the treasures of the world, you can’t be with me. I held my head and just kept silent. I felt my tears starting to fall in streams, but only inside my face, I didn’t show anything outside. Safet, if that's how he is called, also said that I need to know that all you care about is my security. And that I am everything to you. But now I must escape. He said that I also needed to know that I can never go back to where I came from. Because the guards will find me there too, and they won’t hesitate in whether to leave me my life or not, I can be sure about that. He gave me money, clothes and a pistol, and then through a secret door led me into the street. He told me to go, and that if I wanted to do good for myself, never to look back.

seventeeth cycling trip

Today it was very bad waking up. I was sad because I didn’t find you lying next to me. I missed you. A lot. Although I knew that you are with me in each and every moment. Even awake I dream of you. I know that I can cuddle you, that I can hold your hand, that I can feel your heartbeat, that you breathe in my ear. I hear it, too. I feel it, too. And my body remembers your body well, as it cuddles while sleeping. I know, also, that you dream of me and that in your dream you are sailing with me. The coast is far away, but you say that you can already see it, and that you are sure that we are going to get there. Sometimes the waves almost sweep us away from the deck. But I'm not afraid. And I won’t cry either.

I know you won’t. And I want you too.

sixteenth cycling trip

I had to sneak in to you. In an unexpected moment I managed to get away from my servants, I slipped out of a back door, and along the labyrinth of corridors I soon arrived to your apartment. But the door was locked, and I knocked in vain, no one opened it. I was starting to worry that something had happened that made you angry with me and didn’t want to see me, when one of the masseuses came out of the door, and without being noticed I popped in after her. You were surprised that I was there, but didn’t protest while I gently peeled you out. In the meanwhile you peeled me out too, I was rock hard, because I had really wanted you. Once you told me that when you first touch me, it’s always so different. I also had that all-up feeling from you. You took me into your mouth, slowly at first, then you started to move faster and faster. You enclosed me, and I felt my body trembling apart while I exploded into you. It felt like the building was trembling too, and the walls blushed with shame of our pleasure.

fifteenth cycling trip

Today they forbid me to meet you. Even though you were close to me, almost within reach, I could have even touched you, but they rebuked me that I mustn’t even try. What were they so afraid of? That I jump on you and bite you? Two people held me down on both sides, and even though there were no chains on me, with scanning eyes they watched my every move. Therefore, I could only watch you longingly, although they strongly forbid me even to have a look at you. But I couldn’t get my eyes off you, I didn’t even care what kind of punishment I would get; I felt that there was no pain I couldn’t bear for you. You see? You see!

forteenth cycling trip

The chief of the security service visited me today and ordered me to tell him all about my life. He wanted to know every single detail. Who I am, where I was born, where I have lived so far, who my parents are, how many siblings I have, who were my friends, what I think and what I believe, if I believe in anything at all. But I just kept silent. I couldn’t tell him that while I don’t even know my own name, I remember not only my previous life, but also everything from my next life. I remember when I first saw you, and I also know that we are going to spend a lot more time together. I remember your first embrace and your last kiss as well. I hear your heart beating. I feel your everything in my palm. I just looked at him and remained silent. I knew it wasn’t you who sent him, you couldn’t have sent him, because you also know everything about me.

thirteenth cycling trip

As we were rattling down the slope, there was a pothole on the road that I, of course, didn’t notice. We fell down anyway, but had you not grabbed my hand and swerved, I would have driven in it for sure, and I would have broken our necks.

twelfth cycling trip

Again I hear my voice. Again my mouth speaks. Again I have a tongue. Again I speak to you. Again I know it's you. Even though all day all I’ve done is lie down-hearted because I haven’t seen you for an immemorial time. The line of complainants haven’t waned though, they kept coming one after another with an unflagging zeal, and I patiently but grimly listened to them and just nodded. But most of all I shook my head in horror over what the world had become. When they left, Safet stepped out from behind the curtains, he brought a bicycle in his hands, he looked at me, but didn’t ask anything. I didn’t ask him anything either of where he had found it, I know he always gets what I need. I got on it, found you, took you by the hand, seated you on the handle-bar, and escaped with you from among the walls. I’d love the most to be with you always, but I rarely have the opportunity: the looks keep me in custody, everywhere secret servants chase after my secret. Actually, those who were my servants have now become my guards. I had to pedal for a long time to make you safe, to know that no-one was following, and that no-one recognizes us. I rode across the market in full speed and I didn’t stop until the edge of the city. In the meantime, you hugged me and kept continuously whispering in my ear “tickle tickletickle tickletickle, I adore you”. Again I hear my voice. Again my mouth speaks. Again I have a tongue. Again I speak to you. Again, I know it's you.

eleventh cycling trip

I waited for you in the bath today. Much time had passed, but I didn’t get bored admiring the decorative tiles, while I was enjoying the embraces of the steam. I've never seen anything so beautiful. I shivered when I felt your naked body touching me from the back; from the water splashing I didn’t hear you coming, so your caressing came suddenly, once again you surprised me. I turned around, I caught you, and selfishly I began stroking my breast with your penis. A few times I ran my hand over its entire length. Then I squatted on you, directly over your stiffening body. Slowly I let myself in your stiff dick, which dived into me up to its hilt, and I started moving slowly, rhythmically over you. You grabbed my ass, and led my movements. I leaned back and let you penetrate as much as possible into my hot, throbbing and, from the excitement, slippery vagina. You were really good at it. While you looked deep into my eyes, you started slowly and endlessly to push and pull your dick, that filled me completely. It was really nice to feel your hard penis moving in me. In particular, it was a pleasant feeling that all along you looked into my eyes, and eagerly watched my reactions to the various movements. I was on the verge of unconsciousness. I felt that you could not hold yourself back either and you penetrated me with full force again, and then the next moment you tensed and exploded into me. You gave me a few shoves, and I lost control, and had a tremendous orgasm. I narrowed on you so much so that I thought you would never be set free from my grasp.

tenth nano-cycling

I must confess to you, because I realized. We have met once already in time. Whether it was in the past or the future, I don’t know exactly. In a bath (Turkish bath), I see that already, just the two of us, no one but us. Both of us naked. Only you can tell, so I remain silent. But even now I’m trembling all over when I think of you.

ninth cycling trip

It’s been three days since I remained without words. I don’t know what to say, I just stare in front of me, and remain silent. It was enough to look into your eyes to recognize you, and I knew that when you saw my face, you recognized me, too. I know you know who I am, and I also know who you are.

eighth cycling trip

Today I didn’t speak. I didn’t say a word to anyone. Not even a voice came out of my throat. Though I could have spoken, there were people to whom I could, everyone was there twittering around me. But I just kept silent. I didn’t need words, because I knew that even without them you hear what I want to say. I just listened to the silence. Sometimes I heard you talking to me. I saw you in my eyes. I looked in front of me, and although nothing happened, I smiled. I only stuck out the tip of my tongue from time to time, to feel the taste of your tongue on it.

seventh cycling trip

Let's get it over with, I tell Safet. Even though I don’t feel like it at all. In a huge chamber there are at least a hundred girls. I see some that I already know among them. Ones I have slept with once, ones I have slept with several times, ones who have been waiting their turn for a while, and ones who are here for the first time now. Everyone is hoping, hoping that I will choose them. Safet doesn’t say a word, no-one does, everyone is looking down. The air is at a standstill in the silence. They really bought well, I notice; I could be choosing for a while. I would choose, but then one of the girls does something that no-one has yet dared to do. She lifts her head and looks into my eyes.

sixth cycling trip

It’s Safet again. He just won’t leave me alone. He is the only one in the harem for whom my door is always open. And he is the one who doesn’t carry out my instructions. But I can’t be angry with him. And again, he tells me that new ladies have been brought to the harem, and the women are just waiting for me cast a glance at them. And there is something in Safet’s expression which makes me obey him. Me obeying him, and not he obeying me. All right, I say, but I need a little more time. To get one more whiff of silence.

fifth cycling trip

I was taken to a huge chamber. At least a hundred other girls were there, the one more beautiful than the next. So I didn’t understand why I was there among them. They said that this would be a special moment, and that if I was lucky I could be the chosen one for the evening, and that if I did well, then it might be for more than just one night. But no-one said what the special moment, the luck, the fact of being chosen, of doing well, the other nights cover. I had time to think, because we just stood there mutely, and nothing happened. The silence was frightening, and in the bright sunlight that was coming in, a tiny little bug panted through the chamber. I thought about how I would gladly fly away with it to the end of the world.

forth cycling trip

Safet disturbs my silence. He informs me that more ladies were brought in, and that if I wanted to I could already visit them in the evening. I don’t want to, I tell him. I want to be alone. I just want to sit, finally in silence, and stare ahead. I want neither the short, nor the high, nor the fat, nor the thin, nor the one with the big breasts, nor the one with the small breasts, nor the one with the wide hips, nor the slender, nor the black one nor the red one. Well, doesn’t anyone understand that I just want solitude? That I want to be left in peace? That all I want is him?

third cycling trip

They said I have to be beautiful. And desirable. Because if I am beautiful and desirable, then something extraordinary will happen to me. And they looked at my skin. They caressed it. They nodded in satisfaction. All four of them. They led me to the bath, it was no use protesting that I can wash myself, and that I'm shy, and that they shouldn’t be looking at my body. They said that everything they do is in my best interest. And that it will be good for me. I decided to let myself, to submit to the will of the four women, so maybe that way I’d find out sooner where I am, why I am here. I resigned to let them wash me clean. New people came, men, they lay me on my stomach and began to massage me gently. And this time I didn’t protest, I knew that despite all efforts, it will be as they want. Just that I still didn’t know what they wanted. No hair was left on me, they removed every fluff from me. Only my eyelashes and eyebrows survived. Nail painting followed, then another woman put cream on my body. I’ve never smelt such sweet odors. While they were combing my hair, I expected, more and more excitedly, what will happen to me next. And why me? After all, it could happen to anyone.

second cycling trip

I've had enough. I'm tired of never being allowed to do what I want. What I want, and when I want it. All kinds of prescriptions, rules, and I hate it. They never even leave me alone. Yet how many times I want to be alone. And the silence is so good right now. No-one anywhere. I busted everyone around me. Do not feed me, do not bathe me, do not put perfume on me, do not dress me up. How many times have I cursed the moment that I am who I am. But how many people are envious of me, how many people would like to be in my place. But now it’s good. Loneliness is good now. Silence is good. It’s good that I'm alone. I need this. I need you.

first cycling trip

I don’t even know where I am. Everywhere I look, it’s all glitter, gold, huge chambers, sweet smells and bars. And silence. Silence reigns the mysterious chambers, the mysterious palace. They only said that from today on, there will be order in my life. No confusion, no chaos, no improvisation. Everything has its place, everything has its time. And I will find out everything in time. It’s just that they still don’t know that I don’t like to wait. I want to know everything. Now. This instance. I want to know where I am, I want to know why; I want to know, it's that simple. But there is no-one near me. There is no-one who would respond.

fourteenth cycling trip

Won’t you?

I want you.

thirteenth cycling trip

The Doctor visited me, and said that there is no Zoli the Turk, that he doesn’t exist, that I shouldn’t believe in him. Or if I think that he still does, I should prove his existence, and that he loves me. I was thinking, but I found no evidence. The Doctor calmed down, he said to take my pills, and then went away and left me alone. I sat speechless for a long time, and I cried unceasingly. I thought, there was no sadness in the world that didn’t fall upon me in an instant. Until the evening I didn’t even light the fire, I was sitting in the cold room without a light until it got dark. Then there was a knock at the window, I stuck my head out, and as I looked into Zoli’s eyes, I knew there is no need for proof.

twelfth cycling trip

All day today I was scratching his door asking him to let me in, but he didn’t even respond. The windows were dark, but I knew if someone was in there, they could hear my voice. For a moment I thought the whole thing wasn’t true, that I only imagined it, but I didn’t believe it because I couldn’t believe it.

eleventh cycling trip

As the memories are coming back, many things occur to me. Among other things, the memory that once I had someone whom I lost. I also remembered that I have a husband who is that man. Once this man opened the door and walked in on us, you were just lying on me and panting loudly. But it seems that the world doesn’t only cease to be for us then, but the reverse is also true because the way my husband came in and walked out of the room was as if the two of us were not even there. But I know that you were there, you put your hat on the chair, lifted my skirt to my neck, and I came from the mere thought of you penetrating me.

tenth cycling trip

When I woke up and they asked me what my name was, allegedly I said, "Sultan, Sultan the Turk". They told me other things too, beautiful and less beautiful. I peeped under the sheet, I saw wounds on my body, and my skin became several years older. They asked me other things too, but I didn’t remember anything. Later a man came to me, he just said: if you go, don’t you come home anymore”.

ninth cycling trip

At night the following letter was stuck to my handle-bar:

"It's been three days since I wrote you, my dear. Remember? Have you noticed? I’m sitting here by your bed just watching you. I’m watching you sleep. By the way, in the meanwhile I’m solving the riddle: if I’m holding your left breast in my left hand and your right breast in my right hand, it’s possible that my arms aren’t crossed. Maybe I’m standing behind you, and I’m holding you. I won’t let you. And together with you I’m not falling down myself. I love you. "

I love him.

eighth cycling trip

All day I sat next to your bed and watched you. I realized where I know you from. After my hand accidentally touched your nipple, I held your left breast in my left palm, and your right breast in my right palm, and all of a sudden it dawned on me. I had said that I will get lost in time, and so it happened. I didn’t understand many things around me. The people spoke an unknown language, they said “zip file, email, skype, porn”. But as I look at it, these doctors are stupid, they don’t touch you all day long, just watch the flickering images on the wall, so you just believe me, I'm here beside you, and from now on I will stay here. When I put my hand between your thighs, in an instant your everything and my everything were wet, I didn’t even have to move to come. Before falling asleep, I read you out fragments from the winding past of cycling, but after I still didn’t sleep, I kept watching you.

joint cycling trip

Only rarely do I get in the zone. Today, however, I got in, and almost stayed in as well. I walked a huge flower in the snow for you, so it became snow, flower. I looked at it from above, even though I knew it would be hard to find my way back in time. As I walked, suddenly you strolled beside me in the whiteness. You were holding my hand. Along the way we saw a raven and a dead dog, the dog's head had already been half eaten by the foxes. “Listen to the silence”, I whispered, and you listened. Later I found a letter in my pocket which read, it’s the angels who are perfect and not us, the flawless. I recognized it was the black priest’s handwriting. When we got out of the zone, at the end of the road stood our bike that I had long thought to be lost.

sixth cycling trip

And the snow kept falling. Slowly it wrapped everything, the bike tracks behind me as well, so I often looked back because I was afraid that I would never find the way back to the place I want. It must have been a long time since the gate of the graveyard was opened; the door handle was also rusty. I looked for a gap in the fence; I stepped over it to get in. I left the bike on the ground, nobody was passing by there anyway. I didn’t want to be scared and I wasn’t scared. I thought, dancing is happier among the living because I step to the left once so I can step to the right as well. Nothing is easier than that. The dance of the dead is simply more relaxed, it doesn’t matter which way you step nor how many times. I thought, I didn’t say it because I didn’t know how to say it, that once I worried so much that I cycled the whole night in frost and snow. I didn’t have lights, so the coachmen yelled at me. But now I didn’t know where to go, so I just tossed and turned sleeplessly. At the end of the cemetery I found the grave that I was looking for, but the name was not on it: it faded over the long years.

fifth cycling trip

I just stood there and watched her, motionless. I didn’t dare to touch her, her body was so beautiful, and I was also scared that if I touch her she will vanish, like a passing dream. My tongue started just in my mind. I started at her navel. Slowly I circled in the little pit, and then I also licked around it. I made larger and larger circles, I wandered around her whole belly. Her skin was incredibly velvety and appeared to have been dusted with glitter powder; tiny, sweet little granules stuck to the tip of my tongue as I was passing around. My hand accidentally touched her left nipple, and I tickled the right one with my mouth. Warmth flooded her chest, and her nipples began to swell. I was chewing them with my teeth. I tried to bite as gently as possible so as not to hurt. I felt that my hands started down her belly, when the door squeaks, I open my eyes and I know I must get out of here at once.

forth cycling trip

All day I browsed through an old family album. I tried to discover people I know in the photos, but I couldn’t find anyone. When I was closing one of the windows overlooking the street, a piece of broken glass cut my finger. I watched if I was leaving any bloodstains after me, but the snow remained white. I sat on the garden swing too and swung myself silently for several minutes. It was very good, a lot of memories came to my mind. Today I looked more at the woman who seemed familiar at the clinic, and while I was covering her naked body, my hand accidentally touched her left nipple.

third cycling trip

When I woke up I remembered a sentence, then I kept repeating it all day. “It’s the women I love, I have always loved women”, I kept saying, although I don’t even remember when the last time I was with a woman was. I mean I did, but my body didn’t anymore. I had two apples and a bread roll for breakfast. For a long time I was looking at the knife blade and moving it up and down in front of my face, but I couldn’t decide weather my eyes seemed brown or green in it. I got to the clinic in time although I took a detour, the sun was shining in my face and its light dazzled me. Before the rounds I had time to look through the beds. The day before yesterday a young woman was brought in, her body was full of bruises and she was so frozen through that she had hardly been brought back to life. The professor had examined her several times, later an unknown doctor appeared too, and after lengthy consultations they decided it would be best if they tied her down. I stood next to her bed for a long time, her face seemed familiar from somewhere. “Have beautiful dreams”, I whispered to her at last.

second cycling trip

While I was coming home, over the hill, I ran out of breath, and I had to stop for a moment. I leaned the bike against a tree, and set off straight into the thick of the forest. Everything was very white around me, and some unknown whiteness was drifting from the sky. All along, I felt like someone was holding my hand. I also heard a female voice, as if she had shouted after me “Zoli, Zoli”, but when I looked back I didn’t see anyone. Then I remembered the incident from yesterday, and suddenly the blood ran out of my brain. I felt an irresistible desire to touch myself, and I did so. I was rough and firm. I came quickly. At the end I embraced the first tree and wiped my wet palm into its cortex. On the way back I met a man who must have been going to steal some trees, I nodded to him, but he didn’t deign to answer me.

first cycling trip

I had a bread roll and two apples for breakfast. While I was peeling off the skin of the fruit, the knife blade glinted in the sun, and for a second my face reflected in it. I looked at it, but in the first moment I didn’t recognize myself. Today I worked a lot, and it was only late at night when I managed to arrange everything. In the evening I went for a ride with my bicycle, the moon was shining on me, it was cold, but I didn’t feel it for a minute. When I finished the round, my heart leapt because it felt like someone was thinking of me strongly. For a moment my voice faltered, and memories began to appear, I don’t know where from. But all of them were deep, and painfully beautiful. While taking a bath, I discovered a small thorn in my left forefinger, then I sucked it until all trace of it was gone forever. Last night I dreamed of a chapel, I had to pray on my knees a lot to calm my soul. Women ran around me in black scarves, and grinned at me with their bad teeth. But finally I escaped.

fifteenth cycling trip

Lead by a sudden impulse, I hop on my bike and set off for wherever the road takes me. I have no destination, but I do have a goal: to find Zoli, wherever he is. I ride in the snow for hours, lights come towards me, and people shake their fists at me, but nothing interests me, I just pedal steadily ahead. I rove over the familiar places, the parks, the groves; I ramble all the places where I have been with Zoli, where Zoli took my hand, where Zoli tickled my tongue with his tongue, where I could lay my head on Zoli’s shoulder. And I know that I am right, and not my husband. Zoli certainly does exist, and it’s not just me imagining him for myself. And I remember how much emotion, how much beauty, how much care, how much kindness he brought into my life. I cut across hedge and ditch, and I am sure that I’ll find him somewhere. Then, everything goes black, and when I come round again, I have bruises all over my arms and legs, I ache all over, there are thorns and leaves in my hair, I don’t remember anything. But I do know that the bite on my thigh comes from him. The snowflakes cover my body slowly, and slowly everything becomes white around me.

...

I think I have a minute left to write. What can I write in this time that I haven’t already written? Maybe just that I love you. Although I have written it many times recently, even though I’m not used to writing it down, nor to saying it, but you should know that whenever I write it, always and again I feel only that I really love you a lot, and I have never, and perhaps I will never, love anyone like this. And it ends here. It’s starting to get very cold.

accidental cycling

On Saturday morning, a bike cut through in front of a camera of the UTV at the M1-M7 entrance section. An unknown cyclist appeared in the photos on the double four-lane road. There is no video of the action, dangerous to the public as well as to the cyclist, but there is a photo.

Around 8:30 in the morning on Budaörs road a cyclist is hurriedly veering across two lanes, while the public transport bus, and two apparently fast moving cars, are on the snowy road. Because of the camera’s angle, it’s not sure whether, after having climbed the crush barriers, the cyclist reached the other side of the road unharmed, but no accidents were reported in the neighborhood.

http://kerekagy.blog.hu/2010/01/30/bringas_amokfuto_az_m1_m7_esen

fourteenth cycling trip

When I look in the mirror, I see Zoli in my eyes. The moon was already up when we met today, with pleasure I forgot my own name for a moment, and mistakenly said “Agnes”. Yet I did open the window so that Zoli could come in more easily. I strongly caught hold of him by the collar so he wouldn’t fall off the sill, I pulled him to myself, and even if it was an impossible situation, I moved so that he came as soon as possible. Then I let him go, and I thought, sometimes he doesn’t even know that I always see him. It felt like saliva on the edge of my mouth, but when I reached for it with my handkerchief, a line of blood remained on my finger.

thirteenth cycling trip

Today my husband asked me if I was still in love with Zoli the Turk. I answered with a 'no'. But if he knew where I am not hiding Zoli, even he would be surprised. Sometimes I make him creep out from the inside of my coat, and sometimes from the folds of my skirt. Because I can make him come forward at any time, the good God heard my prayers. He showed me the way to Zoli: I found him high up there, and I haven't let him go since. Once, a long time ago, I cycled up the hill. I remember, nothing could keep me back, neither the cold, nor the meters of snow, nor the fear of my husband. Zoli was sitting in the room, staring in front of himself, but then he saw me, and without a word he jerked me in. Immediately he fell to me, right away he stuck his tongue in my mouth, and after having undressed me he stuck it in my cunt too, and he kept licking until he sucked out the last drop of cunt juice. I felt then, for the first time, that my common sense was lost. Since then it has been a few times.

twelfth cycling trip

Sometimes I think Zoli is only a dream. Yet every single moment I feel his taste in my mouth, and every single moment I feel his hardness between my legs. And I feel his tongue as it strokes me, his teeth as they bite me, sometimes gently, sometimes roughly, and I feel his eyes on me the most, even though I know that no-one else can see what I see: with his eyes he follows my every move.

eleventh cycling trip

When Zoli appeared today, my husband was sitting opposite of me. We were burning cedar, his eyes glowed, and I was afraid that he’ll take out the whip again. By the way, I haven’t even told you yet how I call you. Clara. My name is Clara. And it does make a difference what you lay on: a cheep stick or a smart chick, keep that in mind. And I adore you, have I already told you that today? Have I? You know: my memory, that is you.

eleventh cycling trip

Sometimes, I don’t know myself what is real and what is only imagined. Today Zoli came, he seated me on the back seat and we were going for a ride with his bike. Then he threw me to the ground, pulled down my skirt, my stockings and my knickers, bent down between my legs, and excited me with his tongue until I came from delight. It took a long time, but Zoli’s patience didn’t flag. When I climaxed, everything around me stopped for a moment, I saw only distant lights shining, and I knew I was in heaven. I don’t know whether it was the future, the past or the present, but the way that Zoli stood there in front of me, it was as certain as death.

tenth cycling trip

“I am the only one among many in your harem, do not deny it”, I told Zoli today, but he just shook his head. The end of the day came, and instead of spanking me, he kissed my forehead.

Zoli drives a car

Zoli's jumped in the car, and then suddenly dashed away. He didn’t say, but I knew, I wouldn’t see him for days. I also knew he was going far away. And I was afraid that he would never come back. I would have gladly sat behind him on the back seat, and never ever have get out. I thought about getting on my bike and setting out after him, but he didn’t even tell me where he was going. I just wiped my eyes, because dust got into it. At least I thought that that's what I'd say if someone asked me. But no-one asked, because I was alone all day. I haven’t seen my husband either. It was dark and very cold. It could have been minus ten. I tried knocking on the door, hoping someone heard it, but the walls echoed only “Zoliii, I miss youu, Zoli I miss youuu”.

eighth cycling trip

Today, Zoli suddenly dropped in to our place. Fortunately, my husband wasn't at home. I was so surprised that I almost fell back but luckily Zoli caught me in time. He said that today there will be a concert in the house. And a whole orchestra will be present. All kinds of musical instruments. I just stared at him wondering what he meant. But he just said: wind, string, plucking, spinning instruments, percussion. No keyboard instruments because he knows that I don't like them. Bassoon, pipe, lute, harp, guitar, violin, flute, and whatever I can imagine. And he alone would play every instrument. But instead of real instruments Zoli used my body. First he took me out of the case. Each of his touches, as he tipped me, made a beautiful tone out of me. My voice became the music. And he played so, but so, but so that everyone could envy him. And Zoli plucked, Zoli blew, Zoli sucked, Zoli stringed, Zoli bowed, Zoli spun, Zoli beat. He played music to my ears. I only regret that never ever can anyone else hear this music. Neither the clicks, nor the stampings, nor the oral bass nor the oboe playing. The mouth whistles, the tongue fifes. They can't see the drumming, the playing of the bow, or the sextets. I didn't know that I was so keen on music before. And on Zoli of course.

seventh cycling trip

I woke up on the floor, all day I was lying crashed to the floor. I also had a few near-death experiences, I think. I read everything I had ever written, but only one sentence kept repeating itself in me over and over again, like a stuck gramophone record:

Zoli, you stabbed me in the heart well enough!