Wednesday, November 10, 2010

endless cycling

Several days had to pass by before I tracked you down. My bike could barely keep itself together from the constant traveling, the whole structure was rattling and clattering; I had to stop to rethink it all over again, to go back and ride the same way again, the one I had gone through several times already because of you. It took me several days of pondering until I managed to put the final mosaic part in its place; several sleepless nights passed before I realized who you are and who am I in this story. I had to ravage my brain a lot until, from the little signs, I realized what had actually happened, where I am and where I can find you. A long time had to pass before I understood who you, Zoltán the Turk, are to me, who you were and what you meant in my life, and who I, the person who I think was called Clara, was, and what I meant in your life. Perhaps I owe more than just one explanation, but I don’t have the slightest intention to explain. Perhaps more than one unclear detail will remain after us, but I know that for you each and every little movement, each and every word and each and every letter was a clear message; you understood all my deeds, and you will understand them in the future. There is still more than one thing that even I don’t exactly understand myself, but perhaps one doesn’t have to know everything to understand certain things as well as possible.
However, I certainly know one thing. You got me, and I got you for myself, too. I am yours. And you are mine. And nothing will ever change that. The sun can shine, the rain can fall, and hundreds of thunderstorms can howl. In time, stones will slowly be crumbled into dust, and our trails will slowly be removed by the wind. But by then we will be each other’s irreparably.
That's it. I am yours. Forever.

Final(ly) cycling.

sixth cycling trip

I tried to look into your eyes, but I couldn’t catch your look at any point during the day. But I know that you're here. Even if I don’t see you, I feel you loitering around me. Many days went by wondering, looking for answers; I often walked around for hours in the forest. But today I got tired of the many sleepless nights; I sat on my own in silence, helpless about what would happen now. I was worried, my soul shivered. I even fell asleep for a moment; in my dream we had a house of our own where we walked up and down between the floors. It was orange, a white gate led out of it, and it stood by the beach somewhere. When I woke up, I realized that I can’t go on living without you, I must be with you at every moment. I looked around, but it seemed that you had disappeared. I felt emptiness in myself, and I knew that I had to come after you. I'll follow you, wherever you've gone. I left the house and in the distance I could still see your bike slipping away.

fifth cycling trip

I think I died. The door opened and a man whom I'd never seen in my life came in. A fur hat was on his head and I couldn’t see his face from his beard. He puttered around, fumbled through the room, he obviously felt at home. He put his bag beside the bed, took a bicycle ring from it, then sat down where I had sat before. For a long time he only stared ahead in silence. He took the spoon which I had eaten with in his hands and stroked it. He rang the bell. Then he spoke. He said: “road, peak, forests”. Then, “town and village”. I wanted to tell him that I was there, but no sound came out of my throat. I looked at his eyes. They were sad. He also looked at mine. But he didn’t even blink. Then he leaned over the half-empty plate and spooned out the rest of my jelly.

forth cycling trip

My stomach rumbled, and only then did it come to my mind that I hadn't eaten anything for days. I got up from your bed, went to your pantry, and I began to search through the shelves. I found old mugs and bowls, but the smell of steaming hot food permeated the twilight. I stood on a stool and took a plate off from the top shelf. The jelly was still warm in it, it burned my hand, but somehow I groped my way with it into the kitchen, and started spooning it briskly. I also found fresh bread and wine. For a moment I put the spoon down, the one that kept ringing again and again, and listened to the silence around me. My flesh crept. An infinite peace lay in the countryside. I looked at my plate, and again it came to my mind that perhaps I had arrived late after all, and that I can really only put my finger in your ear, nothing else. But I also thought that it was just enough for me, and in return you can put yours in my ear: I can listen to you with it whenever you need. Whatever you whisper into it. I heard fumbling from the door, I eagerly looked over there, wondering who it could be.

twelve-minute cycling

We are incredible: sometimes I can’t even believe that you exist, and that I exist for you. When I peeped out of the barn, I heard fumbling from your house, but I still didn’t dare show myself during the day, so I only set out at dusk, through the forest, to watch through your windows from among the trees. It was dark of course, but as if my husband shuffled next to the fence. I knew that it couldn’t have been her because she had been long dead, I had often taken flowers to her grave. But I was convinced that it was her that I had seen. It occurred to me that we are incredible, and seriously, sometimes I’m at my wit’s end because of you. When I finally sneaked in through the back door and the door closed behind me, all of a sudden it became dark, and I just felt my way around overcome by fear. Then, in a moment, it was as if you had stopped behind me, and it even felt like I had touched you. I knew that thousands and thousands of miles separated me from you, but I shivered when I felt your dick in my hand. I turned around, pushed my head against the wardrobe that stood beside the wall, and let you penetrate me. As you were stabbing me from behind, the chest of drawers rhythmically moved with me, it sounded as if bones were rattling inside. I shivered with cold, but not because of the unusual sounds, but because of the way you filled me. You came quickly, and I came quickly too. Then you disappeared as quickly as you had come. I kept calling you, but there was no-one to respond.

second cycling trip

A cold night was awaiting me in the barn. The neighborhood dogs barked, but I didn’t pay attention to them. As if I heard a snake hissing too, but I couldn’t care about it either. I made myself a place in the straw, and I thought of you. When I think of you, suddenly my everything starts to tingle. Then one thing I am sure about is that I miss you, and that I can’t go on without you. I long for your everything. I long that you look at me, that you touch me, that I can hold your little finger, just that you be close to me. That you breathe here by my side. That you love me. You know that every night I go to sleep with you. You know that every night I dream of you. You know that every morning I wake up with you. That in the morning all my thoughts fly to you. You take care of me. But now it’s nighttime. And I’m with you at nighttime too. Even if you aren’t by my side. I want to be with you. In any way. And in vain do I try to sleep, I can’t. I need you. I want to hear you, to appease my desire, I want you to tell me stories, to put your hand between my legs, to drag your clothes off me… But you’re far away, you’re unreachable. But I can still hear your voice, I can still hear you telling me stories, I can still feel you. I feel you caressing me, I feel you in me. You know that you can always find shelter with me, you know that you can hide with me, you know that you can hide in me, you know that you can penetrate deeper and deeper. That I have a wet hole that can you make even wetter. Dirtier. Squelchier. Sweeter. Saltier. Sweeter for you, saltier for me. I am breathing deeper and deeper, my fingers are moving faster and faster. In and out, in and out of the hole, up and down, up and down, left and right on my clitoris. I am making circles continuously. And you’re with me. I feel you. All over. All your veins. You’re throbbing. I’m throbbing you. Together we are a whole. Together. And I’m embracing you. I won’t let you go. And now I rest. And I go to sleep with you again.

first cycling trip

When I arrived, I found all the doors and windows closed. I propped my bike against the wall, I was hungry and exhausted, but I preferred not to move too much in the dark, so I took shelter in a neighboring barn. My body was scratched by the branches on the roadside, I felt blood streaming down my face. The road was long. On the way, I saw many things and thought many things. I also thought that there would be no way for them to know only what I was thinking about you. But I had to come. I knew that you would understand this too. I had to come from you, because I had to come to you. And I knew that I had arrived. And I knew that this time I wasn’t just dreaming.

last cycling trip

Today your servant visited me. The one you call Safet, I think. He said that I need to know that you love me, and that not for all the world would you leave me. But I also need to know that we can never be together anymore. Not in this life of ours, at least. He said that your guards had shut you away from me, and that they don’t allow us to meet, he doesn’t know exactly where you are now either, because you are protected in several ways so that you won’t escape to me. They think I am dangerous for you, he also said that. And also that even though you have all the treasures of the world, you can’t be with me. I held my head and just kept silent. I felt my tears starting to fall in streams, but only inside my face, I didn’t show anything outside. Safet, if that's how he is called, also said that I need to know that all you care about is my security. And that I am everything to you. But now I must escape. He said that I also needed to know that I can never go back to where I came from. Because the guards will find me there too, and they won’t hesitate in whether to leave me my life or not, I can be sure about that. He gave me money, clothes and a pistol, and then through a secret door led me into the street. He told me to go, and that if I wanted to do good for myself, never to look back.

seventeeth cycling trip

Today it was very bad waking up. I was sad because I didn’t find you lying next to me. I missed you. A lot. Although I knew that you are with me in each and every moment. Even awake I dream of you. I know that I can cuddle you, that I can hold your hand, that I can feel your heartbeat, that you breathe in my ear. I hear it, too. I feel it, too. And my body remembers your body well, as it cuddles while sleeping. I know, also, that you dream of me and that in your dream you are sailing with me. The coast is far away, but you say that you can already see it, and that you are sure that we are going to get there. Sometimes the waves almost sweep us away from the deck. But I'm not afraid. And I won’t cry either.

I know you won’t. And I want you too.

sixteenth cycling trip

I had to sneak in to you. In an unexpected moment I managed to get away from my servants, I slipped out of a back door, and along the labyrinth of corridors I soon arrived to your apartment. But the door was locked, and I knocked in vain, no one opened it. I was starting to worry that something had happened that made you angry with me and didn’t want to see me, when one of the masseuses came out of the door, and without being noticed I popped in after her. You were surprised that I was there, but didn’t protest while I gently peeled you out. In the meanwhile you peeled me out too, I was rock hard, because I had really wanted you. Once you told me that when you first touch me, it’s always so different. I also had that all-up feeling from you. You took me into your mouth, slowly at first, then you started to move faster and faster. You enclosed me, and I felt my body trembling apart while I exploded into you. It felt like the building was trembling too, and the walls blushed with shame of our pleasure.

fifteenth cycling trip

Today they forbid me to meet you. Even though you were close to me, almost within reach, I could have even touched you, but they rebuked me that I mustn’t even try. What were they so afraid of? That I jump on you and bite you? Two people held me down on both sides, and even though there were no chains on me, with scanning eyes they watched my every move. Therefore, I could only watch you longingly, although they strongly forbid me even to have a look at you. But I couldn’t get my eyes off you, I didn’t even care what kind of punishment I would get; I felt that there was no pain I couldn’t bear for you. You see? You see!

forteenth cycling trip

The chief of the security service visited me today and ordered me to tell him all about my life. He wanted to know every single detail. Who I am, where I was born, where I have lived so far, who my parents are, how many siblings I have, who were my friends, what I think and what I believe, if I believe in anything at all. But I just kept silent. I couldn’t tell him that while I don’t even know my own name, I remember not only my previous life, but also everything from my next life. I remember when I first saw you, and I also know that we are going to spend a lot more time together. I remember your first embrace and your last kiss as well. I hear your heart beating. I feel your everything in my palm. I just looked at him and remained silent. I knew it wasn’t you who sent him, you couldn’t have sent him, because you also know everything about me.

thirteenth cycling trip

As we were rattling down the slope, there was a pothole on the road that I, of course, didn’t notice. We fell down anyway, but had you not grabbed my hand and swerved, I would have driven in it for sure, and I would have broken our necks.

twelfth cycling trip

Again I hear my voice. Again my mouth speaks. Again I have a tongue. Again I speak to you. Again I know it's you. Even though all day all I’ve done is lie down-hearted because I haven’t seen you for an immemorial time. The line of complainants haven’t waned though, they kept coming one after another with an unflagging zeal, and I patiently but grimly listened to them and just nodded. But most of all I shook my head in horror over what the world had become. When they left, Safet stepped out from behind the curtains, he brought a bicycle in his hands, he looked at me, but didn’t ask anything. I didn’t ask him anything either of where he had found it, I know he always gets what I need. I got on it, found you, took you by the hand, seated you on the handle-bar, and escaped with you from among the walls. I’d love the most to be with you always, but I rarely have the opportunity: the looks keep me in custody, everywhere secret servants chase after my secret. Actually, those who were my servants have now become my guards. I had to pedal for a long time to make you safe, to know that no-one was following, and that no-one recognizes us. I rode across the market in full speed and I didn’t stop until the edge of the city. In the meantime, you hugged me and kept continuously whispering in my ear “tickle tickletickle tickletickle, I adore you”. Again I hear my voice. Again my mouth speaks. Again I have a tongue. Again I speak to you. Again, I know it's you.

eleventh cycling trip

I waited for you in the bath today. Much time had passed, but I didn’t get bored admiring the decorative tiles, while I was enjoying the embraces of the steam. I've never seen anything so beautiful. I shivered when I felt your naked body touching me from the back; from the water splashing I didn’t hear you coming, so your caressing came suddenly, once again you surprised me. I turned around, I caught you, and selfishly I began stroking my breast with your penis. A few times I ran my hand over its entire length. Then I squatted on you, directly over your stiffening body. Slowly I let myself in your stiff dick, which dived into me up to its hilt, and I started moving slowly, rhythmically over you. You grabbed my ass, and led my movements. I leaned back and let you penetrate as much as possible into my hot, throbbing and, from the excitement, slippery vagina. You were really good at it. While you looked deep into my eyes, you started slowly and endlessly to push and pull your dick, that filled me completely. It was really nice to feel your hard penis moving in me. In particular, it was a pleasant feeling that all along you looked into my eyes, and eagerly watched my reactions to the various movements. I was on the verge of unconsciousness. I felt that you could not hold yourself back either and you penetrated me with full force again, and then the next moment you tensed and exploded into me. You gave me a few shoves, and I lost control, and had a tremendous orgasm. I narrowed on you so much so that I thought you would never be set free from my grasp.

tenth nano-cycling

I must confess to you, because I realized. We have met once already in time. Whether it was in the past or the future, I don’t know exactly. In a bath (Turkish bath), I see that already, just the two of us, no one but us. Both of us naked. Only you can tell, so I remain silent. But even now I’m trembling all over when I think of you.

ninth cycling trip

It’s been three days since I remained without words. I don’t know what to say, I just stare in front of me, and remain silent. It was enough to look into your eyes to recognize you, and I knew that when you saw my face, you recognized me, too. I know you know who I am, and I also know who you are.

eighth cycling trip

Today I didn’t speak. I didn’t say a word to anyone. Not even a voice came out of my throat. Though I could have spoken, there were people to whom I could, everyone was there twittering around me. But I just kept silent. I didn’t need words, because I knew that even without them you hear what I want to say. I just listened to the silence. Sometimes I heard you talking to me. I saw you in my eyes. I looked in front of me, and although nothing happened, I smiled. I only stuck out the tip of my tongue from time to time, to feel the taste of your tongue on it.

seventh cycling trip

Let's get it over with, I tell Safet. Even though I don’t feel like it at all. In a huge chamber there are at least a hundred girls. I see some that I already know among them. Ones I have slept with once, ones I have slept with several times, ones who have been waiting their turn for a while, and ones who are here for the first time now. Everyone is hoping, hoping that I will choose them. Safet doesn’t say a word, no-one does, everyone is looking down. The air is at a standstill in the silence. They really bought well, I notice; I could be choosing for a while. I would choose, but then one of the girls does something that no-one has yet dared to do. She lifts her head and looks into my eyes.

sixth cycling trip

It’s Safet again. He just won’t leave me alone. He is the only one in the harem for whom my door is always open. And he is the one who doesn’t carry out my instructions. But I can’t be angry with him. And again, he tells me that new ladies have been brought to the harem, and the women are just waiting for me cast a glance at them. And there is something in Safet’s expression which makes me obey him. Me obeying him, and not he obeying me. All right, I say, but I need a little more time. To get one more whiff of silence.